I found God

I found God . . . he was walking next to me.

I've been looking for him to get some answers. I'm been sad, frustrated, confused, and even angry for a while. And my response has been to ignore & pretend, ultimately internalizing my feelings. Because sharing it would be admitting it. Then a series of events cracked the shell I've been keeping around me. Or more succinctly the shell of who I am.

What I have lost over these past few years has been a balance in my life. The balance between the the heart and mind, between my thoughts and actions, between who I want to be and who I should be. The realization I have come across is the fact I have not been in proper balance for a while.

As an aside:

We wander through life too many times looking for inner balance by looking for outward equality. Not that equality is a bad goal. But it should not be the only emphasis. Our happiness should not be based on the equality of our experience to another person. Equal opportunity should be applauded. But within that opportunity there should be a unique composition where one finds their own balance. Our inner balance will determine our happiness not our equality with others. But I digress.

I have now gained some semblance of balance by gaining some peace with myself. In the process I found God (no sun rays thru the clouds like revelation) . . . he was not around the corner. He was not in church waiting for me to return. He was not on my voicemail, or in the sky. He was not in my prayers, especially when I was asking for the wrong answers.

I could not find him in my friends' gentle advice & comforting efforts. Nor could I locate him in the activities of normalcy. He was walking next to me this whole time, and I did not see or hear him. God was listening to me. I was too busy ignoring myself. His voice was my own, and not until I accepted my voice could I hear his. God is very simple, we just seem to muddle him in our lives.

I'm not fully there, but I now have a balance I have not had in a while. I am now more at peace with myself than I have in the past, but much more work is needed. I just sometimes wish God would walk with louder footsteps.